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This is perhaps the greatest departure from my typical voice than anything else. Shakespeare is known for his beautiful prose in and screwball comedies, including men and women hiding their genders, falling in love with the wrong people, and lots of inappropriate jokes. I have acted in abridged versions of Hamlet, A Midsummer Night's Dream twice, the Tempest, Macbeth, and Romeo and Juliet and naturally, have seen many others of the Bard's work.
For my attempt at writing an abridge Shakespearean play, I was inspired by my friend who has a Persian cat named "Moo" and I liked the idea of blending some modern phrases with older ones but otherwise, this is a work of fiction. This is also my first attempt at screenplay-formatting. I think the opening act is fairly decent, but it falls apart in the last act, so I may come back and edit this someday.
One Autumn's Night
In which the cursed cat Mahmoud learns to love his once-dishonest roommate.
SCENE I--THE LIVING ROOM
KAMRYN, 20, sits playing a video game. She is androgynously dressed and is pretending to be male. Enter MAHMOUD, 25, an Iranian man in a fur coat, ripped jeans, and lots of piercings. Most notably has cat ears.
MAHMOUD
O but would the Gods smile upon this day
And bless me with the fairest fortunes yet.
Kamryn, I have a date with fair Renee
And I'll need the living room for this bet.
KAMRYN
Mahmoud, I'm certain that your Renee fair
Could, not in this room I am using, bare
To be. I was here first and to remove me would be most unjust.
Could not His Persian Meowjesty deign
to allow me to stay and beat my game?
MAHMOUD
You have time yet: Go and beat Darkest Sun
I'll begin my conquest when yours is done.
KAMRYN
Won't to your room she will directly go
And render all this drama here most moot?
Do not pressure me to beat this game so
If, once here, Renee will beat off Mahmoud!
MAHMOUD
Nonsense, Kam! What insolence to assume
A classy girl, such as fairest Renee,
Would darest retire to my bedroom
So soon in the eve!
KAMRYN
'Moud, it's 10 O'clock.
A girl at this hour surely wants your cock.
Before you ruin my mood and my run
Leave me alone to beat The Darkest Sun.
MAHMOUD
Enough, Kam! I know how you like to gloat
Over big bossomed women floating your boat
But be a friend and let your bud get off
Without his friend stinking up his croft!
KAMRYN
Is she so fair that chase me out you must?
Your presence, I find, I so often miss
MAHMOUD
Kamryn, you, I do not e'en slightly trust
This "longing" is just you taking a piss.
The doorbell rings. KAMRYN gives MAHMOUD a knowing look.
KAMRYN
Mahmoud, fine but to all let it be known,
And know next time you turn from man to cat
That, on this night, I left you well alone
And won't be around to hide where you shat
Exit KAMRYN
MAHMOUD
(Called to offstage)
Kamryn, I'll buy you dinner and pay rent
For ousting you rudely, I will repent!
KAMRYN (O.S.)
Fuck off, I know you won't e'en if you're keen
You can't even afford those rotting jeans!
MAHMOUD
I can afford ten pair, and all for you!
KAMRYN (O.S.)
Then save them for Renee! Get me something new!
Exuent
SCENE II--KAMRYN'S ROOM
KAMRYN
(As a woman)
His wit is yet much duller than his claws
And his machisimo much large than his manhood
I shouldn't take it from him and yet I do...
What would I do had I the man's blithe nesscience?
O if I had half the gall he has
--to kick a gal from her game,
though Kamryn has never been a girl to him,
--to reign in a Renee to lounge in my home and bed.
--To mass email every student in a University
and to proclaim oneself "a Persian Prince".
Doubtlessly the most famous of scams.
I took him up at his word some three years ago
Doubting his sincerity, was the shrewd Kam,
and expecting to find fault in his posting.
Yet here I found him, at this address
Adorning his own couch with his body and stonewashed jeans.
In his roommate request, he looked for a man
and so I have been one for him
But he has not been one for me, no matter how I might beg it of him.
He does not pay his monthly tithes
Nor washes dishes or laundry nor trash
These are things that I must do, should I want them done
Further, he is cursed--both in name and in action--
and every morning at sunrise, he takes the form
of a Persian cat. Perhaps the stupidity of one too,
though I could hardly say given the witless look in his eyes at all moments of the day. A dark deceptions, indeed, yet I am too far gone
And to find a new roommate would leave him stranded and helpless.
He has told me the secret of this strange curse,
but the secret of my sex remains beyond his ken.
But why should he know me? Or my feelings for him?
He manages to be both spendthrift and spendy
--cheap and poor in every way, save for his looks.
He derives pleasure from my mask of masculinity
and soaks up fraternal lines on lady's treats and men's tips.
How abhorrent and vile he can be!
And yet, if I found him truly repulsive,
I would have found myself another roommate.
Truly, indeed, and what would he do without me?
He is a cat--and the cat shall be as the cat is.
Nay, even without his feline form, he is a louse.
A golden louse, but a louse nonetheless.
All the offspring of the aureate caliphates and here's where it's gotten us.
I wish he'd spend his Iranian wealth instead
On rent, rather than ladies clad bare-thread.
Enter MAHMOUD distraught.
MAHMOUD
Kamryn!
KAMRYM
O Mahmoud, what has happened?
MAHMOUD
Renee has rejected me on account of my feline form
Which traps me through the sunlight hours!
KAMRYN
Indeed, Mahmoud, it is tough for sure
To find a girl who'll bed flesh and fur
MAHMOUD
I do not need a woman for my fluff
To cook and clean and serve me is enough!
O why have the Gods so cruel cursed me so
That sunlight rays at dawn turn joy to woe?
KAMRYN
Prithee, fluff, do not cry
Another lady you will surely find
MAHMOUD
O, dearest Kamryn, you are far too kind.
If only you had half my looks and charm
And didn't get off on dominance and harm
KAMRYN
Girls never know what they truly want
Like cats, they dither and turn up their nose
While their bodies, they undress and flaunt.
I know they'd be happier without clothes.
MAHMOUD
Indeed your charm is lacking but I hope
With your insufficiencies you can cope.
O why dost ladies from my catform flee?
So do, to me convey, in honesty.
KAMRYN
Perhaps, I daresay, it is your fleas.
Are we doing this? Should I truly say?
You are always tardy on paying rent
You never do dishes, to my dismay.
And on your clothes alone is all wealth spent.
MAHMOUD
You are just as lazy as I am rich
You spend all your time alone in your room
If you didn't have meowself, you little bitch
You would be on the street to face your doom
KAMRYN
We speak but nothing but air is spoken
You see me everyday but do not see
How hard I work to keep myself hidden
Because I'm not what you want me to be
MAHMOUD
So shall we disappoint whilst we both live
And to each other's whims, we shall not give
KAMRYN
Then good night to you, and get the fuck out
Before you speak and ruin all your clout
EXUENT
SCENE III--IN THE BATHROOM
KAMRYN is bathing.
KAMRYN
O that this too too solid flesh would melt into a dew
What a man who dates terrible women so blindly
And blindly still blunders into my room
And demands solace from the world
As if I could have sympathy for such a man...
As if, how I feel, he could understand how...
A knock.
KAMRYN
What, ho! The room is occupied!
Again.
KAMRYN
'Swounds, the fool! What is it, buddy? I am in here, Mahmoud!
And again. Enter MAHMOUD.
MAHMOUD
Kamryn, I have thought now upon your wrath
And through this, I have realized my flaws
And--'SWOUNDS, who's this girl now in my bath?!
KAMRYN
I swear, you're the cat but I have the claws
If you stare at me for a moment more,
Then I'll tear your eyes out, you virgin whore!
Exit MAHMOUD
SCENE VI--The Living Room
Enter KAMRYN, hair down at last. MAHMOUD is present.
MAHMOUD
Kam, if I had known you weren't a man
Ne'er would I have called you "Bitch" or "Lazy"
KAMRYN
I would hope, Mahmoud, O Prince of Iran,
That you would seek to learn more about me
Without needing such introspection
MAHMOUD
But why, dear Kamryn, all the deception?
KAMRYN
There was no other place I could afford
No abode I could acquire
Near enough to my school to commute each day
And your email offer was the only one
And men the only people you'd accept
MAHMOUD
You speak so differently as a girl!
At acting, I can tell you are adept
Your honesty I'd hope you would unfurl
More oft, for it does please me now to see
A woman who speaks honestly to me
KAMRYN
Honest, you say? I never speak my mind.
MAHMOUD
You should scold me more, 'tis only kind
To tell a man his faults so he may learn
And to tell a man his roommate's true sex
KAMRYN
That's for her to know, not for you to check
MAHMOUD
I shall shower you in gifts to atone
And make amends for all that I have done
KAMRYN
Pay rent on time to throw me a bone
Improve our credit score and we have won
MAHMOUD
Surely a dress or scarf or some bauble--
KAMRYN
Love shown through gifts is supremely hobbled
For truest love, self improvement is the greatest gift
For love shown each day, as a commitment in one's heart
Is what truly sets the truest love apart
MAHMOUD
Then, dear Kamryn, to you I do confess
That I have often felt strongly towards you
About you, I've been afraid to obsess
Yet here I am, admitting it is true
For you, I will endeavor to improve
For you, I will cease my hunt for women
KAMRYN
'Moud, I have oft felt towards you sparks of love
Your curse does not affect your acumen
Both fluff and gaudy man I do adore
Teach me how you manage to be so bold
This, from you, I do desperately implore
Together, this new spark we both hold
MAHMOUD
Never more shall I say, "No woman was enough"
For I have found a girl to love me, flesh and fluff
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